The journey out of the fog

Every once in a while I get those half asleep/half awake nights when I keep cycling, tossing and turning through messages, memories, past experiences, and intuitions. Often these nights will leave me feeling hungover but with a sense of clarity or awareness on an issue or a pattern that I wasn’t resolving otherwise. Last night was one of those nights. So were the two nights previous. (Side note: I could probably use a nap.)

Last night, my thoughts brought me back to moments when I felt bullied or denigrated, sometimes choosing to stand up for myself and sometimes holding back to maintain peace. I was recalling people who stood by my side in those moments and those who were silent. I have not had experiences like this for some time, but I was being reminded of these emotions for a reason. I was enormously frustrated when I chose to tolerate unkind behavior, and deeply hurt when my sensitive nature was used against me or when I felt alone. There was an attachment present that made me want to revisit these memories and fight back. That attachment is now dissolving at a rapid pace, and so are all the emotions that came with it.

Anytime an attachment is released, the immediate sensation is often a sense of emptiness. These emotions weigh heavily for long periods of time and we don’t even know they are there, because they become part of us. The lack of these buried emotions feels like an empty hole. And it really is energetic space that needs to be filled. It’s space that can be used for growth and new perspectives. It’s space that can be used for healing. It’s space that can be filled with love and awareness. A sense of relief may not come right away or at all… rather it becomes a gradual process of fulfillment once you make choices that are in alignment with your well-being.

Another thing that can happen is you start to realize how those attachments were creating other attachments that weren’t serving you. We tend to seek out certain people and experiences that fulfill an addictive need to feel a certain way. Nothing makes me feel more self-conscious than being unseen, ignored, or unacknowledged — yet I kept finding myself in that space. Negative emotions are just as addicting as positive ones. When you release a particular attachment, certain relationships with other people may dissolve. Ideas or goals based on fulfilling a sense of hurt may shift. It’s impossible to grow when things are holding you back. And it’s up to you to make those decisions.

When I woke up this morning, I knew that I was going to stop waiting for other people or circumstances for clarity or even closure. I know what I want, and a small sliver of fulfillment is not enough. Waiting is no longer an option. Sometimes you just have to decide: All or nothing. Hang on or let go. Clarity or perpetual confusion.

You can’t find answers standing in fog. You have to seek better ground. Otherwise all of the normal patterns and thought processes will just recycle and repeat over and over… leaving you feeling unfulfilled but without understanding why. What are the repeating patterns in your life and where do they originate? Gaining awareness is the first step towards the journey out of the fog.